And you don’t have to be watching I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant to know that the metaphor also holds for babies stuck to their umbilical cords. (But, may I just say it’s one of the best shows ever on TLC, so you really should be watching it! And that link is hilariously the schedule for this week’s airings.) But let’s just stick with strings…

Someone needed the strings cut (Image: ABC.com/Karen Neal)

I was watching Cougar Town last night when Courteney Cox’s character Jules realized she needed to cut the strings for the young guy she’s been dating—Josh—so he wouldn’t remain caught up on her. (Such a better problem to have, right?) This is how she said it:

“The last thing you wanna do is keep that door open. If you give a guy any strings to hold onto, you just know he’ll cling to them forever.”

Ah yes, the clinging. I have been there. Sure, you may say you’re over someone and really believe it. You may text them less, check their Facebook updates less, even think about them a few times less a day. But if you still have any romantic feelings for a person who isn’t returning them—if you’re putting any eggs in that basket at all—then you are no better than a puppet stuck to a master. Even if you cut nineteen of those twenty marionette strings, you still can’t get far enough away to get off their stage.

So if you feel like you might actually be strung up a bit, do yourself a favor: Cut the final strings! Stop calling the puppeteer. Stop texting. Stop emailing. Stop going to parties where you think he or she will be. Stop making the puppeteer an option in your life and open yourself up to the rest of the world—because that’s where you’re going to find someone who does love and care for you as much as you love and care for them! You don’t deserve to be strung to someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You deserve to be free and happy and living your full, awesome life! You deserve to be dancing without strings toward the partner who is right for you. Free yourself so you can be.

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Big love and happy dancing,

Don't take dealbreakers too far (Image: NBC.com)

On last night’s episode, Liz (played of course by the show’s creator Tina Fey) published a book called Dealbreakers: A Girl’s Guide to Shutting it Down. I laughed out loud, of course, at the ones on her list, like, “If your man is over thirty and still wears a nametag to work, that’s a dealbreaker!” and “If your man has seven cell phones but won’t give you any of their numbers, that’s a dealbreaker!” You can see more items on the list at NBC’s Dealbreakers site—and most are so far out there (“If your man appears on “To Catch a Predator” on Dateline, that’s a dealbreaker!”) we can’t help but agree. But I gotta say, as much as I love Liz Lemon, I don’t love all her dealbreakers.

Why? Put simply, if you’re focused on what’s not going to work in a relationship, then the negatives are all you’re going to see! Look at the subtitle of the book: a guide to shutting it down. Hilarious, of course, I get that. But in real life, haven’t you shut enough down? Your dates, your attitude, your heart, your hope? Think about opening up, instead. Open up to the possibility that perhaps the most perfect man for you—kind-hearted, supportive, sexy, driven and funny—just happens to want to “ride you home on his handlebars.” And guys, maybe the perfect woman—warm, beautiful, quirky and smart—just happens to “collect action figures.” Please: Don’t count people out of your life before they’ve even stepped into it.

Now I do think it’s important to look at your life in the big picture and make note of the big dealbreakers. If you desperately want a family and the man you’re dating doesn’t want children, yeah, that is a dealbreaker. If you’re a deeply religious person and the date you’re with is adamantly opposed to what you believe in, yeah, another dealbreaker. But when it comes to someone’s personality traits—to the food they eat, the movies they watch, the shoes they wear—these don’t define a whole person. And maybe what you thought was a dealbreaker at first will turn out to be something you can embrace as the lovable quirk in the person who’s so perfectly meant for you.

Enjoy the show, laugh at the book, and—as Liz Lemon says—”if your man has appeared on Maury to take a paternity test,” he’s probably not the right guy for you. But after you laugh your way through the episode and her “book,” stop looking for ways to shut it down, and start looking for ways to open up. Love likes to surprise us, remember. Let it.

But I’m also curious to hear what you think about Liz’s dealbreakers: Have you been burned by not having them? Are there some you’d never give in on? Or have you scrapped your list altogether?

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Big love and let me know,

If it does, maybe you’d appreciate the same message Georgia got in the film from the character Irv (played by Richard Dreyfuss), who acted as the movie’s wise “oracle.” His finest moment came, I think, when Georgia was giving Irv reasons why she felt she wasn’t close to the love or life of her dreams. When she was finished, Irv had this to say:

“You’re looking for obstacles rather than looking for magic.”

What a genius line. And what a great thing to challenge yourself with, too, when the walls of difficulty seem too high to climb over. When you look to the future love you want to have, are you looking at the obstacles, or are you open to the magic?

Love is not rational, remember. It’s the one thing in life that whisks away even the most practical, organized, type-A. Love is all about magic. And if you want to invite it into your life, start getting good at believing in it! If you focus on the obstacles to having love (“I work too hard to date,” “No one I like likes me back,” “What’s the point, everyone’s a jerk anyway.”), then obstacles are all you will hit. Look, instead, further along the horizon. Look for the magic.

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Big love,

At one point, his girlfriend Joan said this of his quest for fame and fortune: 

He wants to be somewhere where he’s not. But then, don’t most people want to be somewhere where they’re not?

I found what she said so simple, yet so important. Sometimes,

when we have a quest in front of us, we feel like we’re the only people in the world who don’t have what we want. If you’re single, you might look around at couples nuzzling and kissing, only to feel like you’re the only one who’ll never, ever find love like that. If you don’t have money, you might look at your neighbors and friends paying for luxuries with ease, and worry you’re the only one struggling with your bank balance behind closed doors. But the fact is this: We are all on quests for things we want. You’re not alone in searching, seeking, trying and wishing! We all, every single one of us, are working toward something that will make us happy.

Take solace in that. You may, like Mark Borshardt, want to be somewhere where you’re not. You may not yet have the relationship of your dreams, but look at what you do have. What seems like the bottom rung for you, you know, is a great height for someone else. Seek and hope, of course. But be grateful for where you’re at today, because your every day is someone else’s dream come true.

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Big love,

Go, Sherri! (Image: MyLifetime.com)

What I loved most about it? Sherri came off as strong, wise and funny as hell, but she also showed us that side we all have: when you’re unsure of what’s coming next. When you’re tired of being beat down by life, of being sad or single. When you just want to put your head on your dad’s shoulder and say, “I need a pep talk.”

In fact, let’s let the show give us a pep talk, because what I saw were some great lessons about life and love: 

Lesson #1:  You can’t control life, but you can control how you feel about it. This nugget came from Sherri’s friend Angie (played by Elizabeth Regen). Angie was consoling Sherri, whose husband Kevin (played by Malcolm-Jamal Warner) cheated on her…and got his new fling pregnant. Here’s what Angie said: “Men make bad choices and we can’t control it. We can only control the choices we make when choosing to deal with it.” Sherri liked the advice and, oh, so did I.

Lesson #2:  The tough times only last so long. So say the five stages of grief according to Sherri: “Anger anger anger anger candy.“ As bad as things feel, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes that light is made of chocolate.

Lesson #3:  Please, keep the faith. Through all the funny, Sherri showed her soft side in the last scene over tea with her dad (played by The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air‘s “father” James Avery!). “I’m tired Daddy,” she said. “Tired tired. This is just too hard. I loved Kevin with all my heart, now I think I’ve lost faith in this part of my life ever working out.” He came through with another pep talk. “Love is not for the weak,” he said. “Don’t lose faith, Sherri, you’ll find somebody.”

And that’s what counts the most. Don’t lose faith. Don’t lose hope. Because if you can just believe that your half-orange is out there—that you will meet the person who is meant for you—then you’ll be able to embrace your life more as it is now. You want your other half to find you when you’re feeling at your best, right? You want to meet him or her when hope is in your line of sight, when you believe that good things are possible. So do as Sherri’s dad says: Don’t lose faith. If you can just believe that you will find somebody, your big relationship will be that much closer.

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Big love,

Yes, even those days you end up on a date with a creepy guy who salivates while he talks. And even those days you’re home alone catching up on TiVo wondering why no one ever seems to ask you out. It’s all for a good reason and my post as a dating optimist is to help you see it that way!