Ate Popcorn, Learned, Loved

I was a little behind the eight ball on seeing Eat Pray Love, but I finally got armed with a large bucket of popcorn and saw it. Sure, it was a little cliché here and there, but I thought Julia Roberts playing Liz was adorable and gorgeous, and the message about taking control of your destiny (like I wrote about in The Tightrope Walk of Negative Thinking) was spot on.

I suppose there are small subtle SPOILERS here, so if you haven’t seen the film yet, take heed. Here are my four favorite lessons:

1. Eating for your inside is more important than starving for your outside. I love love loved the scene in the pizza place in Naples where Liz and her friend Sofie are about to chow down on a pie. When Liz worries it’ll make her fatter, Liz goes on a rant about how sick she is of people holding back on the good things for fear of gaining weight. Then she says something like: Right now we’ll enjoy this, and tomorrow we’ll go buy bigger jeans. I feel like it’s a lesson that pertains to so much more than eating. It’s about taking in all good things, splurging with life a little. So what if the hot coffee barista who asked you out is ten years younger? If you’re single with no other commitments, live a little. Right now, enjoy the date and tomorrow you can get back on the serious relationship train. Eat all the pizzas and Napoleans and full-fat lattes of life!

2. Ashram statues don’t have all the answers. It took Richard from Texas to remind Liz that she’s not going to find all her answers in the meditation room in India; we have to find the answers within ourselves. Obvious? Yes. Worth repeating? Hells yeah. It’s like writing, too: People say that if they could only get away to some magical, inspiring place, then they’ll be able to start writing; but writing doesn’t come from the place, it comes from inside. So if you find yourself stalling instead of dealing with an issue that may be, say, holding you back from intimacy, stop looking everywhere else but at yourself. You are where change begins.

3. Bali is freaking beautiful. I don’t know about you, but I’ve put it on my list of Must-See places to visit.

4. Sometimes, it’s okay to pray. I say sometimes because many people don’t pray and for those people, I want to say; it’s okay. It doesn’t matter what God you choose—Catholic, Hindu, or an energy of the universe you want to call God—but sometimes life feels hard enough that it’s time to put your problems and your choices in someone or something else’s hands. This is why I was so moved by the scene before Liz ended her marriage, when she gave it up to God and asked for guidance. Marianne Williamson encourages doing this, and as uncomfortable as the idea might feel for you, if life seems heavy and hard and you cannot see an end to the pain or pressures, sit down, get quiet, and pray for an answer. Let guidance come to you.

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3 Love Lessons from It’s Complicated

Big love,

Look at the essence, not the flaw! (Image: Amy Spencer)

Yep, I have cankles. Essentially, this means my calves hit my feet without slimming down into adorbly skinny little ankles like girls I’ve admired. My legs are more like, sorta, two big tapered logs.

Of course, when I showed the pictures to my friend Todd, he said, “What are you talking about? What cankles? All I see is cool water and a cute foot.” Ya gotta love Todd.

So…how can this help your love life? Recognize that we all do this. We find the little parts of ourselves we don’t like—the cowlick in our hair, the mole on our cheek, the bulge of our thighs, the waddle in our neck, the lack of dollars in our wallet, the bummer in our attitude, the job we don’t love—and we think that this small part of us is the first glaring thing that people see. If you’re single, you might think: “What person is going to like me when I have this cowlick, this mole, this waddle, this job, this attitude?” The answer is: The right person.

Because that cowlick or mole or waddle or job or attitude is not all of who you are. You are—and I know this to be true—a profoundly complex, interesting, wonderful, beautiful human being despite or perhaps because of all the small things that make you different. So you have a cowlick, awesome. So you have a waddle, big whoop. So you have a job you hate, you’ll work on finding one you love. Those little things you don’t like about yourself are just that: little things. Big deal! A little thing only becomes big when you set the magnifying glass in front of it.

And if a guy or a girl you like is so lame that they don’t like you for some little part of you like that? My word, why would you want them around in your life a second longer? You want and deserve a person who runs their hand along your hairline in love with the little ‘lick, who kisses the mole on your cheek, who wants to grow dollars in both of your wallets together.

And you do realize, those “issues” are only obvious to you. The other people you think are fixated on your “glaring” issues are actually too focused on the flab on their arms, the chip in their teeth, the bald spot on their head and the rust on their car to notice the things you think are problems about yourself.

I have cankles. It’s a fact. But instead of pointing it out to people (uh, after this one exception), I’m going to start loving them for being mine. They’re my cankles on my legs and if I’m using them to kick up sea water on the sand, then that’s a pretty great place for them to be.

Please, do the same for yourself: Stop pointing out your supposed “flaws,” and start looking at yourself from a larger place. In the big picture, you’re perfectly balanced and miraculously wonderful. Your dings and scratches are what make you special, and without them, you’d be a plain old average bore with no marks to signify you’re unique and living life some. Love who you are from head to cankle, every last bit.

Tell me, what are you going to stop magnifying and start accepting and loving from now on?

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“Flipping” It: A Story

Big love,

The project: Make the most effective Dream Board you can, to offer a visual reminder of what you want to feel in your ideal relationship. As I discuss in Meeting Your Half-Orange, the more of your senses you incorporate while focusing on the relationship you want, the more your emotional brain will be able to tune in the right way to the world around you.

The plan: Two readers kindly sent me copies of their Dream Boards, and I’m going to post them here and comment on what I like best about them, and how you can gain from tactics they’ve done.

DREAM BOARD #1: This one’s from Susan, who also posted it on her blog, “because I’m fearless!” she said.

What I love most about it: I love that the image in the very center of the board is a path through a flower field, and seeing that brings a feeling of instant calm; it’s a great example of how useful it is to find an image like that that represents how you think your spirit or soul will feel with someone deep down. I also love the cartoon couples and puppets! I didn’t think of that when I did mine, but cartoons represent a lightness and fun that photos of real people simply can’t, and they take the pressure off of that “image” of a person you picture yourself with. And the words Susan used, like “floaty” and “happy” and “it makes perfect sense” are wonderful choices—because it will make perfect sense once you meet your other half.

DREAM BOARD #2: This is from another reader, who said, “I just read your book and loved it! I have a tip for those who aren’t into the cut-outs-and-glue dream boards: I made a “virtual” collage of images found on the web and use it as my screen saver. There’s no mess, no cleanup and I definitely look at it everyday!”

What I love most about it: That looks like a pretty damn fun life, doesn’t it? Natural and adventurous with feelings or actions of surfing, eating, holding hands, snuggling, hugging and having “Fun! Fun! Fun!” I love that on this board, there are so many images mixed in together, you get a true feeling at first glance: of pink romantic things and green healthy things and hugs and smiles and babies. I also love that there are numerous examples of how she’ll be interacting with her other half: feet intertwined under a blanket, a man’s hand on a pregnant belly, dancing at a wedding, hugging on the grass in early morning, running free as with a surfboard; it’s helpful to show images that don’t focus on faces like this, because this way you can relate to and remember the interaction you want, not the “image” of the person you think you’ll be with.

What you can do from here: If you haven’t already built a Dream Board of your ideal relationship—how you want to feel with your half-orange—now’s the time to start! If you have already made one, feel free to build on it. Our tastes and feelings change all the time, through life experiences we have, and people we meet. So take another look at yours and ask: What else do I want to feel that isn’t represented here? Or, flip through your favorite magazine today with your dream relationship in mind and ask: Is there anything in here that makes me smile and want this feeling for myself?

Keep building your dream board all the way along the path to your perfect other half. Then, the two of you can build one for your future together.

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OPTIMISM WORKSHOP: Your Big Love List

Big love,

Wow, I so know that sickness in your stomach you got from seeing your friend move on—and also from feeling a well of regret that perhaps she did so without knowing how you felt. I think, in the big picture, there is nothing to regret about sharing how you feel about someone. I have been through a few of those “had feelings for good friends” relationships, and for me, none of them panned out. But boy, did I spend years working on that whole panning thing.

In retrospect, the moments I am most proud of in those friendships are the times I came out with it, confessed my feelings and was honest. One of them played out like a movie scene on a NYC street corner with me crying my heart out asking why he didn’t love me back. The next day, I had a moment of “Uh oh, that was embarrassing,” but that passed quickly when I realized how utterly free I felt. There was nothing left to be said! I’d put it out there and now it was ours to work with.

The way I see it, the worst thing we can all have in our relationships with others is uncertainty. Those moments or months of not knowing. That’s what wastes our time and our energy as we try to navigate what we don’t know. I hope that now, as you say you feel more positive and more in control having read the book, this does help you. I’m glad it made you write that email. For whatever happens, at least now you know where you stand. Either you’ll just be friends for now, or her eyes will be opened. Either way, you win! You get to move forward knowing where you stand with this one person.

And, hey, if she’s not into you, you can use your energy opening up to the rest of the world and a woman who does want to love and adore you and feel the way about you that you did your friend. Also, you also never know how life works; even if it doesn’t happen now, life can put you two in one another’s paths again when it’s more right. Who knows, right? That’s the joy of it all, that you can’t force feelings with people, but you can control how you feel and who you are. And you being positive and happy in life right now, regardless, is the best thing you can do.

I hope that through the book, you, like I learned to do, to keep living in the moment and be happy for now, not the future. That you can be open to the right love for you, not just one particular person you might hope it to be. You may hit bumps along the road, but now you know there’s a reason for that and a lesson in life and love to be learned from it. Each person we meet takes us one step closer to the person we should best be for our half-orange relationship. And we still have the ability to control the way we see and feel about what happens to us. So here’s to choosing optimism.

—Amy

For a little reminder of that today, here’s a video my Mom forwarded me that is short but sweet. It’s a little example of how we all sometimes need someone else—that every so often we can’t do it alone. After seeing this today, I’m going to start thinking about people in my life who may need me, and about how I can let my husband and friends and family be needed in return. Real love is always a give and take. And these turtles (and some Michael Bolton, yo) can help us remember that:

I say, let’s all look for some people that are a little turned-over today, right? It’ll help us take the focus off how topsy turvy we are, and it’ll feel and be good for us to remember how important it is to give when someone needs—just like the love you’ll have with your half-orange.

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Big love,

Being with your half-orange is not about questioning but about trusting and letting things fall into place. It’s freeing and fulfilling. You find yourself smiling more in a day because you’re actually happy—and lo and behold, people and your partner want to be a part of your life because you’re so happy. It’s all about being your best self and radiating a self-assuredness and confidence that is natural and ridiculously attractive.

Whatever happens from here, whether this friend of yours is meant to be your partner in love, remember this: There’s a reason for every relationship you have and for every wall you have to climb over. Each person we meet takes us one step closer to the person we’re meant to be for our healthy, half-orange relationship. And eventually, one of those people is your half-orange. I look forward to hearing that you (and others of you!) have indeed found yours.

—Amy

We all have our own "Star Wars mug." (Image: Amy Spencer)

As I was cleaning the dishes the other day and putting away the helmet, I smiled for the first time when I looked at it. And the reason I came up with what that I was reminded how important it is to value the little things you may not love that your partner holds dear—and know there are plenty of things about us that they hold dear, too.

He, for instance, puts up with the fact that four days out of seven, I’ve filled the room with the scent of fresh-popped corn. He miraculously doesn’t seem to mind that I always want a bite of his food, even when I swear I’m so full I could die. He hasn’t left me over how much I hate doing laundry. And I know my obsession with chairs has become an issue when I realize the Louis XIV chair I was “going to reupholster this week” has been sitting in the laundry room for over a year. So the teeny tiny Star Wars mug? I mean, geez, loving it is the least I could do.

I guess I’m saying this is worth remembering as you date. You know, maybe we should focusing on that stuff as soon as we meet somebody (“He plays Fantasy Football, for goodness’ sake!”) and think, instead, how lucky we might be if they’d be open and easygoing enough to take the stuff we dole out. We all have our personal Star Wars mug. I have a lot of them. And I know I’m lucky to have found someone to appreciate them all. In your dating life, too, may the force learn to love it.

So…what’s your Star Wars mug? Come on, I know you have one!

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Big love,

I received a copy of a book called The Real Secrets Women Only Whisper and found in it a bit of sage dating wisdom I liked.

“As much as you want to be Cinderella, you can’t stretch a glass slipper. If the slipper doesn’t easily fit, you will find that trying to walk in them on the rocky road of life only gets increasingly difficult as the years go by. Somewhere along the way, the slipper is bound to break.”

Whether you’re a Cinderella or a Cinder-fella, the advice still holds true: Getting along shouldn’t be a battle. Look for the relationship that makes it all feel easy.

Have you ever found yourself sucked into one of those relationships? The ones where the slipper didn’t fit and you tried far too hard to try to make it so?

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WWJS: What Would Joan (Holloway) Say?

Big love,