However you feel...feel it.

Why is it that we cover up our feelings this way? Why do we apologize for them? We’ve all said at some point, “I’m sorry I’m getting so angry about this,” or “I’m sorry…I can’t feel excited!” The fact is, feelings are good! And to be a healthy person in a happy relationship, we all need to accept and embrace the ones we’re having so we know where we really stand in life.

That’s why when my friend Pam passed along this web site she discovered through a friend of hers (which was passed on to me by Todd last night), I ate it up. We Feel Fine (located here at wefeelfine.org) is a genius program that collects the words from anyone on the web who writes the words “I feel…” The creators, Sep Kamvar and Jonathan Harris call their 2005 creation “An Almanac of Human Emotion,” and “a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 – 20,000 new feelings per day.” Wow, right?

On the first page of the site, you have an option to “Open We Feel Fine,” which brings to you  ”The Madness”: hundreds of colored dots flying around the screen you can click on to see what someone in some country has been feeling. Things like “better” “ok” “super” and “alone” might come up. Take the option of clicking “Murmurs” and you get to watch scrolling postings of people being more particular: “I feel like talking about it,” “I feel like a dumbass” “I feel the acne about to come out,” and as someone from Victoria, Australia wrote, “I feel like I’m walking toward a brick wall and am going to hit it.” On other screens, you can even isolate a gender, an age, a city or a mood so you can see how others relate to you.

The "Madness" of WeFeelFine.or

The reason I’m so enthralled with this site? It’s a reminder that feelings are natural and healthy. Every single one of them (it’s acting on some of those “going postal” ones that screws things up). We all go through ups and downs in life, and it’s good for us. We can watch a feeling come and land on us. Acknowledge it. Embrace it for a second or an hour with a laugh, a cry, a shiver. And then, we can move on.

Being a dating optimist isn’t about putting on a happy face every time you’re feeling sad; it’s about acknowledging your true feelings now, and seeing a happier future for yourself—being certain that the experience you’re having today is leading you toward a great relationship. And that’s worth smiling about when you’re ready.

One tip that will help? While you’re playing with We Feel Fine (because you will want to!) don’t just focus on the powerfully sad stuff. Also look at how good some people are feeling, too. Go to the “Mounds” section and seek out how some strangers feel “confident” and “brave” and “free” and “pretty,” “important,” “able” and “blessed.” While you address and acknowledge how “alone” or “weird” or “unloved” or “troubled” you feel, see if there’s some area of your life that you can find a ray of feeling good, too, just for a minute. Because that’s about how long it will be until the whole site is refreshed with brand new feelings from a new batch of thousands across the world. We all feel something. Be true to how you do.

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Big love,

In fact, Sandra said three things in particular that made me think of you, because the messages are universal and speak volumes about the love you may be seeking in life.

Sandra Bullock gave good speech

SANDRA MOMENT #1: “Everyone who’s shown me kindness when it wasn’t fashionable, I thank you. To everyone who was mean to me when it wasn’t…like, George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago, I’m still holding a grudge…”

Yes, she was joking about Clooney, but she makes a seriously solid point here. Everyone you’ve ever had a relationship with—your lovers, your friends, your parents, your high school sweethearts, your previous boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands or wives—have made you who you are today. They have taught you lessons, shown you what you want in love and what you don’t. Whether they were kind to you or hurt you, these are the people worth thanking. With time and determination to grow positively from it, you will be the better for it. 

SANDRA MOMENT #2: “If I can take this moment to thank Helga B . . . for making me practice every day when I got home: piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist you had to practice every day.

Why do I highlight this part? Because optimism takes practice, too. I explain all of this in Meeting Your Half-Orange, how it doesn’t come second-nature to everyone. In fact, it didn’t come second-nature to me when I was single and needed it most, even though I was born and raised an optimist.

Trust me, I get it. When life is looking lonely and you fear a future with no one loving you in it, it’s natural to want to hug the emotions you’re used to: Defeat. Disappointment. Mistrust. Self-protection. Sadness. You name it, I felt it when I was single, too. But for you to become the joyful, strong, confident, interesting, passionate, hopeful person you’re meant to be, you have to practice your positivity. You have to practice taking a new view on your life! Because the better you get at doing that, the faster your true love will find you.

SANDRA MOMENT #3: “…and for reminding her daughters that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no special orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So to that trailblazer who allowed me to have that [husband Jesse James]…”

I think we should all say this again and again to ourselves: We are all deserving of love. So if you feel deep down that you aren’t good enough to deserve the great love others have, you’re wrong. Or, on the other hand, if you feel deep down that you have such abundance in life that you couldn’t possibly ask for a great love, too, you’re wrong. Like the uplifting message we were reminded of in my post about the adorable show Glee, A Glee-ful Reminder, every single one of us deserves and can have a great love. Problems, issues, luck, pasts aside, look at where your life is today and give yourself the gift of asking for a relationship that will make you shine.

And so I ask you, dear readers: What surprising person might be in your Oscar speech about love? Which someone you’ve known or dated or loved or been raised by or been hurt by would you thank for making you who you are? If you thank your past, you’ll be better equipped to give more of yourself to your future partner.

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Big Oscar love,

The key to life and love: Believability

This week, I loved how one girl, Michelle Delamour, came into her own. Michelle—who looks so much like my friend Angela it’s nutty—did a diva version of a Creed song. When she was through, Kara DioGuardi said it was her “favorite performance” of hers. Why? Kara explained:

It may have not been technically perfect, but it felt believable for once. You took a risk, you have a good attitude in this game. You listen and you’re trying. You believe in it, and I bought it.

This, I think, is how we should all aim to live and date. It’s not about being technically perfect in this lifetime of ours. It’s about being so true to ourselves that we’re believable.

If you’re looking to meet your half-orange, the last thing you want is to go on a date, fake your way through being more refined or laid back or lighthearted or serious than you really are, and then lose the chance to be with someone because they didn’t “believe” you. And that’s what happens when you spend time with people who aren’t being real or if you’re not real yourself: Things seem off. You don’t connect. The date goes “technically” okay, but there’s no spark.

Give yourself the chance to feel that spark! Don’t try to be someone you think the judges or your coworkers or your friends or your dates want you to be. The way to get a spark with other human beings in this world is to be real—to be as Kara said of Michelle, believable. Pretend this is your Week Two and let your real self show so you’ll really be able decide if you want to dial the numbers and keep each other around for another week.

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Big love,

When I told friends and family my plan—that I was going to be optimistic and see the good side of dating, that I wasn’t going to force myself to go on dates anymore, that I was going to trust my gut and not settle—not one single person said, “That’s awesome!” Most of them said things like, “That’s cool. But you know, you do have to date a little bit…” or “Good for you, though you do know you’ll have to settle at some point…” They liked that I was optimistic, but thought that in doing so, I had abandoned being realistic. I hadn’t. And neither are you.

Realism is important, but if you want to reach your dreams, you have to spread your wings outside of the realism box. You have to dream big, picture glory, and reach out and ask for the relationship you want.

When people go off-road a bit and decide to approach something in life from a new angle, it’s common for others to refer to the status quo, to say, “Ummmm, that’s not what we usually do.” I’m not blaming your friends for feeling protective of you, but I am saying you have a right to your own attitude. If you want to make an emotional change in your life, you have to stick to it no matter what your friends say. Your confidence and determination are part of the plan.

It’s kind of like what might happen if you told your friends that you wanted to learn to play the trumpet and that in six months, you’d be playing Louis Armstrong’s “A Kiss to Build a Dream On.” What might they say? Probably something like, “Whoa whoa whoa, S, maybe you should try practicing first. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself!” But the fact is, if you never set yourself the goal of playing Louis Armstrong, you’ll never play it.

Optimism is like learning an instrument. It takes practice. The more you do it, the better you get at it and the more you believe you’ll get what you’re after. So don’t worry about people who think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Optimism isn’t about pressure, it’s about believing that good things will come.

If you do feel like you’re under pressure, that you’re not feeling like your true self the majority of the time, then maybe you should ease up on your rules. Try to stick with the positive things about your dating life as much as you can, but by all means, if your last date had breath like a sick horse, you’re allowed to laugh and say so! That said, it might feel unusual being positive about your life when you’re not used to it. But keep at it like you’d keep practicing the trumpt. Follow your own heart and determination, and do as I did: Don’t let anyone dampen your dreams.

That’s my vote, anyway. If anyone has any other advice for S overcoming the pressure she’s feeling from herself or her friends, chime in!

—Amy

Tommy LaSorda: Love coach! (Image: Dodgers.com)

On this particular episode, Tommy was giving a pep talk to the guys trying to win bachelorette Deanna’s heart. And this is what he said:

“You know the thing is, this is serious business, here. Because she may pick one of you out, and maybe spend the rest of her life with you. If you believe in yourself, if you believe that you’re gonna be the guy that’s going to win this young lady, you got a good chance of doing it. So make sure that you are going to give this thing every ounce of energy, every bit of effort, all the determination that you have within you. Do you believe that you’re the guy who’s gonna do it? Tell me, say, I believe!”

            I want you to take those words to heart yourself, because, as Tommy says, this is serious business.

If you believe in yourself and you believe that there could be a guy or woman out there who’s going to win your heart, you will find him or her. Give it all you have and you can have it.

Big love,

From Paris, with love

One was We’ll To the Woods No More by Eduard Dujardin, which was written in Paris in the 1880’s and translated into English. I bought it in a bookstore two decades ago and have held onto ever since. When I opened it, this underlined sentence caught my eye:

He thinks he is happy, therefore he is happy.

It’s something I’ve questioned over the years: What is happiness, really? Is it a state of mind? Is it something that circumstances and friends can weigh in on?

People have even asked me throughout my life, ”Are you really always this happy?” It made me wonder if I was fooling myself. Maybe I thought I was happy…but really wasn’t. Maybe if I was more realistic and faced the facts of life or the seriousness of a situation, I’d come back down to earth and realize that I wasn’t so happy after all.

Well, phooey to that. I know the answer now. Happiness is a state of mind. It’s relative. It’s all in how you look at your life and see your circumstances. Like the character in We’ll To the Woods No More, if you think you’re happy, therefore you are happy. 

The same goes for dating: If you think you’re in a good place in your dating life, therefore you are in a good place. If you think you’re close to meeting the love of your life and ready to be in that relationship, therefore you are. Life isn’t a list of moments we compute and spit out our state of being. Life is what we make it, how we feel about it and how we choose to face it. So why not choose the route that makes you feel good about yourself? Like my post on Get Un-Lost: Nothing Is Irreversible, you have the power to change what you’re thinking.

It’s not always easy, I know that. Maybe you had a bad day. A bad phone call. A terribly painful loss. An breakup with someone you cared about. Will that derail your single experience? Will that affect your future relationships? Well…that’s up to you. You haven’t rolled the dice and picked up a Monopoly card that tells you what square to place your silver boot on. This is your call. If you think your life will improve on account of what’s happened to you, therefore it will.

Choose your state of mind. Today, even for an hour, decide to be happy with who you are and where you are in your life. Think you are happy and therefore you are happy.

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Big love,

Happy or snarky, everyone deserves a someone. (Image: AS)

They want to know—and so might you—can you be cynical and still be a dating optimist?

The good news is…you can.

Our personalities are all different, and cynical, snarky types need their match as much as the bubbly, positive ones. And that’s because positivity and optimism are actually different, which is interesting. Positivity is a feeling, and optimism is a belief. Positivity is about all that smiling and feeling happy, while optimism means that whoever you are—positive or cynical—you simply believe that your life will work out well.

And love, really, is optimistic at its core: We go into a relationship hoping it will work out, not assuming that it won’t. And if you do try to go into a relationship assuming it won’t work out? Your attitude and energy will likely fulfill the prophecy. But this is why I suggest positivity to cynics, too. I know it hurts sometimes to smile for ten seconds, but smiling and feeling good creates a warm, welcoming feeling within and around you that makes the give-and-take and openness of a healthy relationship come more easily.

So if you’re a cynic—or you know one you want to pass this on to—I say, be your authentic self and embrace who you are and how you feel, but when it comes to dating, give yourself the gift of optimism—the simple belief that there is a partner who is perfectly right for you and who can make this terrible, awful world a little more bearable and, dare I say, a bit brighter.

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Big love,

But one thing I didn’t love was seeing my faaaaavorite girl on the show—Gia—falling for The Bachelor Myth. What is that, you ask?

The Bachelor “Say It” Myth: If you don’t open up and say you love and want to marry him, that it’s your fault you’re not getting a rose. No, no, no! It’s just not true. Don’t fall for the hype, Gia, it’s not your fault!

Gia thought to "say" meant to "stay."

As Gia said last night:

“I never showed him how I felt, and I never was able to verbally get it out, and, you know, I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve had some really bad breakups and my heart’s been broken, and I was so scared the whole time to put it out there. And to tell him. And by the time I figured it out, and…he sent me home.”

That’s when Chris Harrison asked, “What was it that held you up?” Here’s what Gia said:

“There were so many nights I sat there and I said to myself, “Okay, this is gonna be the time, you’re gonna tell him how you feel, you’re gonna just get it out. And I just…I’d freeze up, so. . . At that moment, I knew that I had fell in love with him, and I thought maybe by some slim chance he knew who I really was and how I really felt without me saying? But, you forget, there’s two other girls who are telling him, “I love you,” telling him, “I want to marry you.” And there’s me who’s just saying nothing. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I’d had more confidence, that he would have chosen me.”

Now, her lack of confidence probably was an issue. But you know what definitely wasn’t an issue? Gia not saying, “I love you” or “I want to marry you.” We’re human beings; we can tell through body language, eye contact and energy if we like each other even without words. Yes, being verbally open is healthy, and as we grow and gain more confidence, we get better at doing that. But we all need to do it at our own pace! Gia, you wonder if there was a slim chance Jake knew how you felt? Of course there was—and it was fatter than slim! I mean, come on, we’ve seen plenty of bachelorettes say “I love you,” and end up crying under some glaring light on the front steps of a mansion the next day.

Take The Bachelor Open Up Myth to heart. Verbalizing how you feel to a guy before you’re ready isn’t the answer. You can play the shoulda woulda game your whole life. That women, you should have told a guy how you felt or said more in the email than you did. Or that guys, you should have called the next day, or kissed her when you had the chance. Yes, what you say and when you call matters. But it’s not all there is. What’s most important is the connection you feel as a couple, and if one half of that couple ain’t feelin it—i.e. Jake not feeling it for Gia—then so it goes.

I’m glad that Gia did learn a few things from the show. “I really learned how to express myself,” she said. “I really learned what I’m looking for, what I want, what I need. And next guy that I meet, I’m telling him how I feel.” 

It’s a good way to go forward, but for those who relate, don’t blame yourself for what you wish you’d done or should have said in the past. If you feel it, say it. And if you’re like Gia and you require, you know, a little more than four dates with TV cameras all around you to declare your undying love to a guy you met a few weeks ago, then forgive yourself for that and go with what feels right in your heart! Open up when you’re ready. Use your words when you can mean them. And let the connection between your most real and natural selves guide you along the way until then.

Big love,

Nick got what HE wanted in love...so can you (Image: Shore File Photo)

“Even though I believe in the power of positive thinking (I’ve seen it happen for my friends numerous times), I think I’m kind of a pessimist at heart, no matter how sunny my disposition is,” says Andrea. “Yes, I’m single, I have been for a year now, but I think that this positive thinking thing can work for my WHOLE life, not just my love life.”

And as a further push to believe in the positive, Andrea sent me this link she’d come across, to an msnbc article about Nick Cannon, the singer, performer, actor, TV judge, and CEO of Nickelodeon’s teen channel—and Mariah Carey’s husband. The piece says, essentially, that Nick feels he’s gotten everything he’s wanted in life so far by believing he could have it and saying that he’ll get it. Sounds just like how my book, Meeting Your Half-Orange begins. Believe, say you want it, and you’ve started yourself on the path to getting it.

Here is how Nick Cannon put it:

“I truly believe in speaking things into existence. Not to get all Tony Robbins, but you speak it, and it can definitely happen to you.”

And as the article pointed out, he didn’t just do this in business; he did this in his love life, too. “For years,” the article says, “Cannon would tell any interviewer who asked that his celebrity crush was Mariah Carey.” It led to presenting awards with her, and a business meeting in 2008.

“I put on my good cologne,” Cannon said, “did some push-ups. Tried to get my grown-man look on.”

It obviously worked. Nick and Mariah are now married. And he’s not stopping there:

“I wanna be a billionaire in five years,” says Nick. “It can happen. I’m speaking it into existence!”

Well, whatever it is you want in love, speak that into existence, too. Learn from Nick Cannon. He got the girl of his dreams. And he’s gotten the career he was after, too. If you want a healthy relationship, do as Nick does: Announce what you want with all the determination and hopefulness you can muster and watch the world bring it straight to you.

And as for Andrea, if she can discover strength like this in others, she can find it in herself—and so can you.

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Big love,

I credit my personal awe of those guys to a skiing experience I had a few years ago during a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in Utah.

Like Shaun White: Are you LIVING a good run? (Image: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

I was staying at a friends’ corporate-sponsored chalet that was nestled high on a mountain and accessible from the intermediate ski run. Me being a gal from New York, I’d grown up skiing some small mountains in New Jersey and just north of the city.

“Intermediate?” I said, “No problem.”

It turns out, however, the intermediate hill in New Jersey is the bunny hill in Utah. And the intermediate hill in Utah? Well, let’s just say that once I got off the lift, I felt like I was looking over the edge of a cliff. Egads, I was in trouble.

As with many things in life, it wasn’t the hill that was the problem as much my sheer lack of confidence that I could tackle it. And so after a few wobbly-legged attempts, completely pointless snowplowing and a few tumbles, I eventually took off my skis and clomped sideways down the hill in my boots, whimpering the whole time. It was, I’m sure, a hilarious sight to behold. God bless my friends who didn’t laugh at me until I was ready to laugh at myself. (And God bless you if you’ve already read about my surfing experience in my past post Get Blue Crush Brave and still hold any respect for my sportiness!)

Which is why I gaze in wonder when I see the Olympians tearing down the snowy mountain and doing flips in the halfpipe. But I’m not just impressed by Shaun White’s moves, but by his attitude. Shaun had these words to say just before he competed in the halfpipe qualifier on Cypress Mountain in West Vancouver last night:

“I’m looking for, basically, some good runs. I just, uh, I don’t think it’s about one trick in the run, I think it’s the whole thing, so I’m just trying to put down solid runs all night and, uh, we’ll go from there, see what special stuff I got in store.”

You know what I liked about that? Shaun wasn’t bragging about the one specific move that was going to lead him to his goal—yes, of course he had some serious tricks up his sleeve that he’d invented just for this big international show. But he also knew that without a good first run overall, one big trick wouldn’t mean a thing.

And that’s how I see our lives, especially in love and dating: without a good run overall, you won’t get to show your big tricks. So often, when we want to be in love, we put aside everything else to get the relationship. But if you’re not living a good full life overall, if you’re not having a good run overall, then you may not get a chance to show your big tricks to the right person in the first place. Don’t let your fear freeze you like mine did on a Utah mountain. And don’t let your anxiousness about getting into a relationship take over the life you’re living now.

Look at dating the way Shaun White looks at that halfpipe: Aim to have a good run overall. Smile and enjoy the whole thing—the nights in, the nights out, the so-so dates, the funny set-ups, the time with friends, the ways you grow. If you’re having a good time with your life, then your dates will want to see what “special stuff” you have in store. 

The tactic sure worked for Shaun White: After the first of two finals runs last night, he scored 46.8. He didn’t even have to take another run to get his gold, but Shaun knew that by putting down those good runs, he’d earned his chance to pull those tricks out of the bag. And so he took a second run—how very Mary Lou Retton of him—and showed off his special “Spiraling Double McTwist” that earned him a 48.4 and, of course, that gold.

It’s a medal that’s round and kind of orange-looking, come to think of it. Just like the half-orange you’re looking for.

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Big love and good runs,