Even though Bachelor Pad isn’t as good as The Bachelor and The Bachelorette (shows I love so much I want to be buried with an ABC TV so I can keep watching from beyond) I’ve still thoroughly enjoyed the funny drama and antics of it all. Until this week.

They were cheering before they knew how shafted they'd be. (Image: ABC.com)

This was a show about a house where former singles from the former shows could mingle and goof off and hook up and battle each other with wits like a sexy single Survivor. At the end? A prize of $250,000. The rules of the show had the men and women competing for immunity, then voting each other off each week: The men voted off one woman and the women voted off one man. Fair enough. I was down with that. And throughout the show, some of the singles started coupling up. That happens, too. And I liked the competition that was brewing between the singles and the couples. Would the couples team up? Would the cozy couples be ousted by the singles who had more time to plot and prepare? I couldn’t wait to find out. And then the producers went and smacked the singles straight in the face.

Five minutes into the show, Chris Harrison unsympathetically told the group that to even the 4 guys and 7 girls head count, they’d even the playing field and send three girls home. Tension mounted. And I got excited: How would they decide?

Well, they decided in the lamest, grossest, shame-iest way: In a scene out of a school yard sports pick, the boys simply kissed girls they liked and asked them to stay. And since half the group had already coupled off, the men just asked the girls they’d been kissing all along, sending three cool girls who didn’t happen to have partners in the house off to the limos to head home.

Now, I’m an optimist and I like to look for the best in any situation. But this show twist pissed me the hell off. This wasn’t a contest called “Which girls hook up?” This was a competition for $250,000 big ones that could change some contestant’s bank account in a big way. And they let the decision of the final four girls hinge on the hormones of four typical guys? Come on! I cringed when one of the contestants (I think was Tenley) said something like, “Not only did they not find love here, but now they won’t be winning $250,000.” Exactly. And that’s just plain wrong.

Singles get ousted far too much like this in life. I remember one office job where I was often asked to forgo my plans for the plans of the wives and mothers I worked with. “My husband and I have dinner plans,” one would say. Or “I’ve got to get home to the baby.” So there I’d be, cancelling my dinner plans with my friends or cancelling my plans to go home to rest with the remote control because there was work to be finished in the office, and the choices of me as a single woman weren’t deemed as important as those in the coupled up world. And there are plenty of movie plots that revolve around some woman needing to show how settled they are in life by introducing their new husband or wife to the boss (Aniston’s Picture Perfect and Cameron’s What Happens in Vegas are two), so it must happen to other people, too. I’m sorry, but that just ain’t right. Single people should have just as much clout in this world as couples. If you’re single, you deserve as much of a shot to get a job, have a night to yourself or win $250,000 as the coupled up person next to you!

What should Bachelor Pad have done instead? Let the girls battle it out as individuals! Let the strongest or smartest or quickest decide. Have them race. Make them win a trivia contest about how much they learned about the others in the house. Hell, have the girls do some olive oil wrestling like the guys did on the last round of The Bachelorette. As long as the playing field was even. But to have the fate of these women’s $250,000 resting on what felt like a line-up at a grade school dance? Shame on you, Bachelor Pad. Next time, learn a little something from Survivor, which proves that it doesn’t matter what age, race, job or relationship status you are, because you can win the money at the end of the show if you can outwit and outplay the others. Here’s hoping life will be more like that, too.

I mean…am I wrong on this? Was this just supposed to be fluffy fun? What do you guys think?

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11 Ways Being Single Beats Being in a Relationship

You’re So Hot

10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Being Single

Big love to all my cool singles!

So…I thought I’d post it up here for you all to see, too. In it, I answer five short questions, including “What’s your dating philosophy?” “What advice would you give someone about to go on a first date?” and “What’s the best dating advice you ever received?” Find out my answers by going to my It’s Just Lunch Q&A or click on the image below. I had so much fun working with Simone for the piece, so I hope you find the message as date-inspiring as I intended it to be.

Big love,

Gosh, I love embarrassing questions. Mostly because the questions that people think are embarrassing really…aren’t. When I hosted the Sirius radio show Sex Files on the Maxim channel, I used to get calls all the time from people saying, “You’ve probably never heard this one before, but…” And the thing is, I usually had. Because we’re all human, and our experiences—good, bad and embarrassing—are so often similar.

A new book from Health magazine

That’s why I’m such a fan of the new book that one of my favorite editors—Lisa Lombardi at Health magazine—co-authored. What the Yuck? is full of those questions people are afraid to ask but secretly all want to know.

Now, in honor of those “You’ve probably never heard this one before” questions, I’m going to answer one of them right now. (I also regularly post answers to other questions that have been emailed to me in the “Let’s Talk” Q&A section of this site, so check some out!)

The Question:

“You said never to say never…but this one “never” is hard to argue with: I’ve never been on a date, never been asked out, and, as the movie goes, never been kissed. I just finished reading your book. You might wonder why I read your book if I haven’t had any dating experience yet. I’m almost 24 years old and am truly at the point in my life where I want my half-orange to find me. I am becoming the person I want to be: I recently took up competitive running, lost a good amount of weight, and am now starting to enjoy my life as a graduate student. I want to be a dating optimist but I find it extremely hard when, as far as I know, no one has found me date-able. I find it very hard to believe that any man will be able to love me. I know that I need to banish those thoughts but after this long, it’s extremely difficult to do.” —R.

My Answer:

We’ve all had our “never” times, R. There’s no such thing as a rulebook for how fast or slow people are supposed to go. And by the sound of it, you’re going at just the right pace or you.

I’m so happy for you that you say you’re becoming the person you want to be. And that, I must say, is the best thing you can do for your dating self. Because the more you know who you are and what you want in life, the better you’ll approach future dates and potential partners. Now, as for no one finding you date-able…psshaw! (You get that sound effect, right? I’m waving away that idea as nutbaggy!) You are date-able. You are loveable. You will have a wonderful partner in your life who won’t be able to fathom that you deem him worthy to be with you.

And the first step I think you should take to meet that person is to go on a date. Yep, pull off the Band Aid and get on out there. The easiest and best idea I can suggest is online dating, because unlike a bar or a party or a restaurant, all the people you find on that dating site are there for the same thing—to date! Don’t disguise who you are, don’t put up a photo that doesn’t look like you, don’t say you like things you don’t like because guys might like it. Check the box for “want a relationship,” wink at a few people, and have fun. When someone asks you out, go for it. He doesn’t need to be perfect, he doesn’t need to be your future husband, he just needs to be someone who wants to have a coffee or a cocktail or a meal on a cool fall night over good conversation. That’s it. If you know a friend who wants to set you up, or another place to meet someone to date, go for it.

My point is, dive into a date. First dates are notoriously awkward anyway—whether you’ve had 30 first dates (oh, look at that, another Drew Barrymore movie) or none, so you’re not going to stand out for being inexperienced, trust me. Just go with the idea in mind that it’s nothing serious and that this first date or your first kiss doesn’t need to be the be-all, end-all—you’re just breaking that ice and taking the first step into the rest of your dating life. And you can always keep in mind my favorite mantra: The worse it is, the better the story.

I hope that helps, and I hope you can get your optimism up there. Life, remember, is all about first steps. You’ll be taking first steps when you’re fifty, too, so enjoy these first steps into dating and be confident that because you will have a happy ending, you can enjoy the whole ride along the way.

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VITAMIN OPTIMISM: Dance Your Dance

Big love,

This is a video that reader of my book named Doni Conner found and posted on the Meeting Your Half-Orange Facebook Group page (which, by the way, is a great way to get in touch, say hi and share your story!) My eyes are still wet from viewing it, and I knew I needed to share it with you. If you’re in a Starbucks or a busy office where everyone can see you, be warned: it’s moving. Click on this image of the video:

Click this image to be directed to the video on Vimeo.

Or on this link here: Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo. Their story is so moving, so simple and so real. And I hope it inspires you the way it has inspired me today.

The next time you kick yourself wondering why you’re even bothering with all this dating, and if there are guys and girls out there who are full of love and want what you want, let Danny & Annie be your answer. You’re bothering because of this. Because this is what love is. Someone to walk into life with together, who’ll offer you ice cream at night and stir your heart.

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The Ageless Path You’re On

The Duet You’re Dating For

Big love,

In response, I want to tell you…

The Tale of the Big Hill

This is Peru, not Sea Cliff. But a hill's a hill. (Image: Amy Spencer)

I grew up on a steep hill in Sea Cliff, and when it was time to learn how to use the stick shift in our Volkswagen Rabbit, my parents took turns teaching me. On my Dad’s turn, we headed up the hill toward town as I wondered which street we’d turn onto at the end. But then, at the very top of the hill, my Dad shouted, “Stop!” After I did, he said, “Okay, let’s go.”

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever driven a stick shift, but when you let go of the brake, the car doesn’t sit still. It rolls backward—fast. The only way to get the car moving forward is to master the pressure as you let up on the clutch and tap the gas at the same time. It’s an art form. And at the top of a steep hill, it’s also a heart attack.

After four tries, six tries, ten tries, I started to cry. “This isn’t fair,” I said. “I can’t doooo it!”

“Yes you can,” he said.

“I can’t!” I said, rolling backward on try number eleven. But my Dad didn’t give up on me and wouldn’t let me give up on myself. Instead, he told me how important it was that I learn how to do this. On try twelve, I started getting the hang of it. By fifteen, I did it! Perfectly.

“Do it again,” he said. I did it over and over and over again. Sometimes poorly, sometimes perfectly, but the more I did it, the more I nailed it. And when I got home that day, I ran beaming into the house, shouting how great I felt. And from then on, no hill frightened me. Those small humps I used to think were tough? “Pfft, cake.” I became fearless in that car; no road was out of bounds, no stoplight on any incline made me flinch. Years later, I was the one of my friends in San Francisco who had to hop into the driver’s seat to parallel park our car on the hill because no one else could do it. This is the gift my father gave me. And this is the gift that life is giving you.

Dating, sometimes, can feel like torture. It can feel like you’re sitting at the bottom of a very big hill with no tools to get to the top, no energy to climb it, and no assurance that once you get there you’re going to like what you find very much at all! But the hill is a part of your journey to that great relationship. If you can accept that your life is about becoming the best of who you can be for the right relationship, it might be easier to accept that hill. Because once you climb it—through the sucky relationships and the lonely nights and the failed blind dates and the jerks who don’t text you back—you will get to the summit strong and proud and really ready for love.

Part of the essence of dating optimism is that it’s not just about taking the short cut—riding the tram up the hill so you don’t have to walk or drive it—to someone you can settle down with. It’s about the hill too. As I talk about in Meeting Your Half-Orange, the optimism is about the whole journey. You may be tired of the journey, but it’s vital in teaching you to appreciate your life and the people you meet, and to become the person now who you want to be in the right relationship later.

Sometimes life makes our hills longer because there is more for us to learn on our way up. If I hadn’t climbed my dating hill before I met my husband, I never would have appreciated all the things about him I didn’t know were important and been ready for marriage with him. The hill is readying you for love in ways that you don’t know yet. That’s what’s taking so damn long. I think life gives us the right person when we’re good and ready enough to appreciate them. You may have another person to meet, another lesson to learn about yourself, another lame date with a player to appreciate how valuable a “good guy” really is. I know it’s hard, I know it sucks sometimes, and I’m glad you’re staying positive when you can. Just remember: You might meet the love of your life tomorrow. So don’t you want to be in a place of gratefulness, calm and acceptance when you do?

Here’s to your hill. Life isn’t giving up on you, so don’t give up on yourself.

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The Motorcycle Lesson

Big love,

Ate Popcorn, Learned, Loved

I was a little behind the eight ball on seeing Eat Pray Love, but I finally got armed with a large bucket of popcorn and saw it. Sure, it was a little cliché here and there, but I thought Julia Roberts playing Liz was adorable and gorgeous, and the message about taking control of your destiny (like I wrote about in The Tightrope Walk of Negative Thinking) was spot on.

I suppose there are small subtle SPOILERS here, so if you haven’t seen the film yet, take heed. Here are my four favorite lessons:

1. Eating for your inside is more important than starving for your outside. I love love loved the scene in the pizza place in Naples where Liz and her friend Sofie are about to chow down on a pie. When Liz worries it’ll make her fatter, Liz goes on a rant about how sick she is of people holding back on the good things for fear of gaining weight. Then she says something like: Right now we’ll enjoy this, and tomorrow we’ll go buy bigger jeans. I feel like it’s a lesson that pertains to so much more than eating. It’s about taking in all good things, splurging with life a little. So what if the hot coffee barista who asked you out is ten years younger? If you’re single with no other commitments, live a little. Right now, enjoy the date and tomorrow you can get back on the serious relationship train. Eat all the pizzas and Napoleans and full-fat lattes of life!

2. Ashram statues don’t have all the answers. It took Richard from Texas to remind Liz that she’s not going to find all her answers in the meditation room in India; we have to find the answers within ourselves. Obvious? Yes. Worth repeating? Hells yeah. It’s like writing, too: People say that if they could only get away to some magical, inspiring place, then they’ll be able to start writing; but writing doesn’t come from the place, it comes from inside. So if you find yourself stalling instead of dealing with an issue that may be, say, holding you back from intimacy, stop looking everywhere else but at yourself. You are where change begins.

3. Bali is freaking beautiful. I don’t know about you, but I’ve put it on my list of Must-See places to visit.

4. Sometimes, it’s okay to pray. I say sometimes because many people don’t pray and for those people, I want to say; it’s okay. It doesn’t matter what God you choose—Catholic, Hindu, or an energy of the universe you want to call God—but sometimes life feels hard enough that it’s time to put your problems and your choices in someone or something else’s hands. This is why I was so moved by the scene before Liz ended her marriage, when she gave it up to God and asked for guidance. Marianne Williamson encourages doing this, and as uncomfortable as the idea might feel for you, if life seems heavy and hard and you cannot see an end to the pain or pressures, sit down, get quiet, and pray for an answer. Let guidance come to you.

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3 Love Lessons from It’s Complicated

Big love,

Look at the essence, not the flaw! (Image: Amy Spencer)

Yep, I have cankles. Essentially, this means my calves hit my feet without slimming down into adorbly skinny little ankles like girls I’ve admired. My legs are more like, sorta, two big tapered logs.

Of course, when I showed the pictures to my friend Todd, he said, “What are you talking about? What cankles? All I see is cool water and a cute foot.” Ya gotta love Todd.

So…how can this help your love life? Recognize that we all do this. We find the little parts of ourselves we don’t like—the cowlick in our hair, the mole on our cheek, the bulge of our thighs, the waddle in our neck, the lack of dollars in our wallet, the bummer in our attitude, the job we don’t love—and we think that this small part of us is the first glaring thing that people see. If you’re single, you might think: “What person is going to like me when I have this cowlick, this mole, this waddle, this job, this attitude?” The answer is: The right person.

Because that cowlick or mole or waddle or job or attitude is not all of who you are. You are—and I know this to be true—a profoundly complex, interesting, wonderful, beautiful human being despite or perhaps because of all the small things that make you different. So you have a cowlick, awesome. So you have a waddle, big whoop. So you have a job you hate, you’ll work on finding one you love. Those little things you don’t like about yourself are just that: little things. Big deal! A little thing only becomes big when you set the magnifying glass in front of it.

And if a guy or a girl you like is so lame that they don’t like you for some little part of you like that? My word, why would you want them around in your life a second longer? You want and deserve a person who runs their hand along your hairline in love with the little ‘lick, who kisses the mole on your cheek, who wants to grow dollars in both of your wallets together.

And you do realize, those “issues” are only obvious to you. The other people you think are fixated on your “glaring” issues are actually too focused on the flab on their arms, the chip in their teeth, the bald spot on their head and the rust on their car to notice the things you think are problems about yourself.

I have cankles. It’s a fact. But instead of pointing it out to people (uh, after this one exception), I’m going to start loving them for being mine. They’re my cankles on my legs and if I’m using them to kick up sea water on the sand, then that’s a pretty great place for them to be.

Please, do the same for yourself: Stop pointing out your supposed “flaws,” and start looking at yourself from a larger place. In the big picture, you’re perfectly balanced and miraculously wonderful. Your dings and scratches are what make you special, and without them, you’d be a plain old average bore with no marks to signify you’re unique and living life some. Love who you are from head to cankle, every last bit.

Tell me, what are you going to stop magnifying and start accepting and loving from now on?

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“Flipping” It: A Story

Big love,

The project: Make the most effective Dream Board you can, to offer a visual reminder of what you want to feel in your ideal relationship. As I discuss in Meeting Your Half-Orange, the more of your senses you incorporate while focusing on the relationship you want, the more your emotional brain will be able to tune in the right way to the world around you.

The plan: Two readers kindly sent me copies of their Dream Boards, and I’m going to post them here and comment on what I like best about them, and how you can gain from tactics they’ve done.

DREAM BOARD #1: This one’s from Susan, who also posted it on her blog, “because I’m fearless!” she said.

What I love most about it: I love that the image in the very center of the board is a path through a flower field, and seeing that brings a feeling of instant calm; it’s a great example of how useful it is to find an image like that that represents how you think your spirit or soul will feel with someone deep down. I also love the cartoon couples and puppets! I didn’t think of that when I did mine, but cartoons represent a lightness and fun that photos of real people simply can’t, and they take the pressure off of that “image” of a person you picture yourself with. And the words Susan used, like “floaty” and “happy” and “it makes perfect sense” are wonderful choices—because it will make perfect sense once you meet your other half.

DREAM BOARD #2: This is from another reader, who said, “I just read your book and loved it! I have a tip for those who aren’t into the cut-outs-and-glue dream boards: I made a “virtual” collage of images found on the web and use it as my screen saver. There’s no mess, no cleanup and I definitely look at it everyday!”

What I love most about it: That looks like a pretty damn fun life, doesn’t it? Natural and adventurous with feelings or actions of surfing, eating, holding hands, snuggling, hugging and having “Fun! Fun! Fun!” I love that on this board, there are so many images mixed in together, you get a true feeling at first glance: of pink romantic things and green healthy things and hugs and smiles and babies. I also love that there are numerous examples of how she’ll be interacting with her other half: feet intertwined under a blanket, a man’s hand on a pregnant belly, dancing at a wedding, hugging on the grass in early morning, running free as with a surfboard; it’s helpful to show images that don’t focus on faces like this, because this way you can relate to and remember the interaction you want, not the “image” of the person you think you’ll be with.

What you can do from here: If you haven’t already built a Dream Board of your ideal relationship—how you want to feel with your half-orange—now’s the time to start! If you have already made one, feel free to build on it. Our tastes and feelings change all the time, through life experiences we have, and people we meet. So take another look at yours and ask: What else do I want to feel that isn’t represented here? Or, flip through your favorite magazine today with your dream relationship in mind and ask: Is there anything in here that makes me smile and want this feeling for myself?

Keep building your dream board all the way along the path to your perfect other half. Then, the two of you can build one for your future together.

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OPTIMISM WORKSHOP: Your Big Love List

Big love,

Wow, I so know that sickness in your stomach you got from seeing your friend move on—and also from feeling a well of regret that perhaps she did so without knowing how you felt. I think, in the big picture, there is nothing to regret about sharing how you feel about someone. I have been through a few of those “had feelings for good friends” relationships, and for me, none of them panned out. But boy, did I spend years working on that whole panning thing.

In retrospect, the moments I am most proud of in those friendships are the times I came out with it, confessed my feelings and was honest. One of them played out like a movie scene on a NYC street corner with me crying my heart out asking why he didn’t love me back. The next day, I had a moment of “Uh oh, that was embarrassing,” but that passed quickly when I realized how utterly free I felt. There was nothing left to be said! I’d put it out there and now it was ours to work with.

The way I see it, the worst thing we can all have in our relationships with others is uncertainty. Those moments or months of not knowing. That’s what wastes our time and our energy as we try to navigate what we don’t know. I hope that now, as you say you feel more positive and more in control having read the book, this does help you. I’m glad it made you write that email. For whatever happens, at least now you know where you stand. Either you’ll just be friends for now, or her eyes will be opened. Either way, you win! You get to move forward knowing where you stand with this one person.

And, hey, if she’s not into you, you can use your energy opening up to the rest of the world and a woman who does want to love and adore you and feel the way about you that you did your friend. Also, you also never know how life works; even if it doesn’t happen now, life can put you two in one another’s paths again when it’s more right. Who knows, right? That’s the joy of it all, that you can’t force feelings with people, but you can control how you feel and who you are. And you being positive and happy in life right now, regardless, is the best thing you can do.

I hope that through the book, you, like I learned to do, to keep living in the moment and be happy for now, not the future. That you can be open to the right love for you, not just one particular person you might hope it to be. You may hit bumps along the road, but now you know there’s a reason for that and a lesson in life and love to be learned from it. Each person we meet takes us one step closer to the person we should best be for our half-orange relationship. And we still have the ability to control the way we see and feel about what happens to us. So here’s to choosing optimism.

—Amy