Let’s Talk

Hi E,

Wow, I so know that sickness in your stomach you got from seeing your friend move on—and also from feeling a well of regret that perhaps she did so without knowing how you felt. I think, in the big picture, there is nothing to regret about sharing how you feel about someone. I have been through a few of those “had feelings for good friends” relationships, and for me, none of them panned out. But boy, did I spend years working on that whole panning thing.

In retrospect, the moments I am most proud of in those friendships are the times I came out with it, confessed my feelings and was honest. One of them played out like a movie scene on a NYC street corner with me crying my heart out asking why he didn’t love me back. The next day, I had a moment of “Uh oh, that was embarrassing,” but that passed quickly when I realized how utterly free I felt. There was nothing left to be said! I’d put it out there and now it was ours to work with.

The way I see it, the worst thing we can all have in our relationships with others is uncertainty. Those moments or months of not knowing. That’s what wastes our time and our energy as we try to navigate what we don’t know. I hope that now, as you say you feel more positive and more in control having read the book, this does help you. I’m glad it made you write that email. For whatever happens, at least now you know where you stand. Either you’ll just be friends for now, or her eyes will be opened. Either way, you win! You get to move forward knowing where you stand with this one person.

And, hey, if she’s not into you, you can use your energy opening up to the rest of the world and a woman who does want to love and adore you and feel the way about you that you did your friend. Also, you also never know how life works; even if it doesn’t happen now, life can put you two in one another’s paths again when it’s more right. Who knows, right? That’s the joy of it all, that you can’t force feelings with people, but you can control how you feel and who you are. And you being positive and happy in life right now, regardless, is the best thing you can do.

I hope that through the book, you, like I learned to do, to keep living in the moment and be happy for now, not the future. That you can be open to the right love for you, not just one particular person you might hope it to be. You may hit bumps along the road, but now you know there’s a reason for that and a lesson in life and love to be learned from it. Each person we meet takes us one step closer to the person we should best be for our half-orange relationship. And we still have the ability to control the way we see and feel about what happens to us. So here’s to choosing optimism.

—Amy

Thanks for the question, C! It’s totally natural to envision a future with a guy, especially one you can really see a true, happy future with. So don’t feel pressure to stop seeing that. But if thinking this way is making you “afraid” you’ll “squash” him? Read your own words there. You don’t want to be coming at any relationship with either fear you’ll ruin it or fear you’ll squash the good stuff. So as much as it’s possible when you see him next, take a few deep breaths, smile, cool down your emotional brain, slow down your pace, and try to enjoy your time together in a light, positive way.

If it helps, focus on some of the in-the-moment elements (sights, sounds, scents) that you enjoy about being with him, to keep your eye on the present as much as possible: The sound of his voice or laugh, the way you feel relaxed in your shoulders and face when you talk with him, the taste of the food you’re eating. My post on How to Live in the Moment might give you some other ideas and keep you focused on the present instead of mentally forcing him into a box of your future.

It’s like something I was telling a friend of mine recently. She worried she was being too eager and pushy with the guy she was seeing, so I told her and I’m telling you: Instead of sitting forward, sit back—literally and figuratively. If you’re at a table, instead of leaning forward on your elbows or in the chair, lean back. Take a deep breath. Take it in. Or, in general, sit back with your approach, and enjoy it as it unfolds each second.

Because, by the way, if he is your half-orange, you don’t want to miss enjoying these fun, early moments of dating, when things are still unknown and fresh and new. Bask in how fun that is, rather than looking too far or even rushing it toward the future. The future is long and you’ll have plenty of time for it!

—Amy