A photo of a diver with gorgeous dolphins from www.thecovemovie.com

“Not yet,” said Gustavo.

“Oh man,” the guy said of the film that won the Best Documentary Oscar this year. “It’s so messed up. Watching those Japanese fishermen slaughtering those dolphins made me lose respect for them. I can’t go to Japan now after seeing that.”

“It’s really sad,” said Gustavo, “I hear ya.” They stood there for a second taking in the weight of it.

“So,” said Gustavo, changing the subject. “What are you up to this weekend?”

“I have the best plans,” said the guy. “My friends and I are going elk and moose hunting!”

Okay. So. I know this topic is sensitive and we could debate the “We eat cows, they eat dolphins” and “Why do we eat any animals at all“ topic until we’re blue in the face. But what I want to focus on right now is not the debate, but that this guy did not recognize the mixed message he was sending: After a rant about how bad it is to kill one animal, he was setting out to kill another one!

I was blown away by his blindness until I realized how much we all speak in mixed messages in more subtle ways.

If you’re single, you may have said at some point, “Dating sucks. All guys/girls are jerks. Ugh, I’m so over it.” And yet if I asked you why you were dating, you probably would have said, “To have a happy, fulfilling, wonderful relationship in love.” In its own way, those two ideas are like the dolphin and the moose. You want a happy, uplifting, loving relationship, and yet you’re growling about how sucky everything is with a scowl on your face? Talk about a mixed message.

Don’t think you can complain about being single or sarcastically groan about dating or roll your eyes and mock the whole thing…and then hope that your secret desire for a bright happy relationship will come! Nuh-uh. Life doesn’t work like that. You have to be the part you want to be.

You only get the promotion when you talk positively about how much you want it. You only get picked for the football play when you tell your fellow players you’re confident you can pull it off. You only get the loan when you convince the lender you have every positive intention of paying it back. And in love, you only get a happy, wonderful, loving relationship when you positively express that you actually want one!

Whether you’re talking about dolphins and moose or talking about what you want out of life, look at the message you’re sending. Do your words match your intentions? Because your words need to match your intentions! If you’re talking about how much dating sucks, it will suck. Un-mix your message and start talking about what you want. I’m going to finish watching The Cove on my TiVo and try to do the same.

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Big love,

Ate Popcorn, Learned, Loved

I was a little behind the eight ball on seeing Eat Pray Love, but I finally got armed with a large bucket of popcorn and saw it. Sure, it was a little cliché here and there, but I thought Julia Roberts playing Liz was adorable and gorgeous, and the message about taking control of your destiny (like I wrote about in The Tightrope Walk of Negative Thinking) was spot on.

I suppose there are small subtle SPOILERS here, so if you haven’t seen the film yet, take heed. Here are my four favorite lessons:

1. Eating for your inside is more important than starving for your outside. I love love loved the scene in the pizza place in Naples where Liz and her friend Sofie are about to chow down on a pie. When Liz worries it’ll make her fatter, Liz goes on a rant about how sick she is of people holding back on the good things for fear of gaining weight. Then she says something like: Right now we’ll enjoy this, and tomorrow we’ll go buy bigger jeans. I feel like it’s a lesson that pertains to so much more than eating. It’s about taking in all good things, splurging with life a little. So what if the hot coffee barista who asked you out is ten years younger? If you’re single with no other commitments, live a little. Right now, enjoy the date and tomorrow you can get back on the serious relationship train. Eat all the pizzas and Napoleans and full-fat lattes of life!

2. Ashram statues don’t have all the answers. It took Richard from Texas to remind Liz that she’s not going to find all her answers in the meditation room in India; we have to find the answers within ourselves. Obvious? Yes. Worth repeating? Hells yeah. It’s like writing, too: People say that if they could only get away to some magical, inspiring place, then they’ll be able to start writing; but writing doesn’t come from the place, it comes from inside. So if you find yourself stalling instead of dealing with an issue that may be, say, holding you back from intimacy, stop looking everywhere else but at yourself. You are where change begins.

3. Bali is freaking beautiful. I don’t know about you, but I’ve put it on my list of Must-See places to visit.

4. Sometimes, it’s okay to pray. I say sometimes because many people don’t pray and for those people, I want to say; it’s okay. It doesn’t matter what God you choose—Catholic, Hindu, or an energy of the universe you want to call God—but sometimes life feels hard enough that it’s time to put your problems and your choices in someone or something else’s hands. This is why I was so moved by the scene before Liz ended her marriage, when she gave it up to God and asked for guidance. Marianne Williamson encourages doing this, and as uncomfortable as the idea might feel for you, if life seems heavy and hard and you cannot see an end to the pain or pressures, sit down, get quiet, and pray for an answer. Let guidance come to you.

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Big love,

I'm hoping this happy ending with Roberto continues. (Image: Matt Klitscher, ABC)

Sigh. I loved last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. As we’ve all been saying, this was the first time in, like, forever that we would have been happy for both guys to win. And because both guys seemed like such pure-hearted, solid people, they each taught us something valuable about being on both sides of the love coin.

Whether you’re winning or losing in love (and whether or not you’re doing it on a national reality television show) on your path to meet your half-orange, here are four of my favorite quotes from last night on how to do it, which of course made me cry.

The Way to Love

When Roberto proposed, it seemed like he really spoke from his heart, which of course made me cry:

“You told me how important it was to you for your husband to love you unconditionally and to always be by your side no matter what,” said Roberto. “I just…I want to be that man for you. I want to be that man for you. I want to make you laugh, just like this. I want to make you smile. I want to make sure that you wake up every night, every morning for the rest of your life, knowing you’re so so loved.”

The Way to Lose

Chris L's great attitude will lead to a great love. (Image: ABC)

When Ali let Chris go and he looked up to see that rainbow—a sign of his mother looking down on him—it of course made me cry:

“In all this hurt and confusion and what the hell’s going on,” said Chris, “I was like, Wow, that’s just my mom saying, ‘You know what? When you put yourself out there for love, there’s always a chance you’re going to get hurt‘ and I did. I have allowed myself to open up and I’m not good at that, I’m not. And I know she’s like, ‘(clap clap) Good job Chris.’ As much as it sucks losing Ali, I know that’s my mom telling me it’s going to be okay.”

Now, we can’t always know what side of the coin we’ll end up with, which is why love is such a gamble. And so, here’s my favorite insight on…

The Way to Try

As Roberto said…

“Even if there’s the slightest chance that I could end up with her and be happy with her, um, I’ll take it. Even if there’s a chance that I’ll, that my heart will end up broken. I mean, to me, that’s worth it, and I want to take that chance. Ali’s the kind of girl that you take that chance for.”

And while Chris did take that chance and it didn’t work out, remember what he said afterward…

“If I could do it all again,” said Chris, ”I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I just have to learn from it and move on.”

I stand on the side of the fence hoping that Chris will move forward as the new Bachelor. In the meantime, I’ll try to move on from The Bachelorette—and yes, Bachelor Pad will help. Which of course makes me cry. But see? Even in the midst of cheesy television, there is some truth about life. Love’s tough, it’s always a gamble, but it’s worth going for in the end.

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Big love,

What's good in others? If you look at what they're giving, you will find it. (Image: Amy Spencer

A few months ago I went to a seminar he held about the neuroscience of positive thought and happiness and learned more in those eight hours than I would have watching eight hours of one of the The Real Houseswives Of… marathons. Go figure. But I mention Rick today because of something in his weekly newsletter called “Just One Thing” that caught my eye today.

I know that as a dater, it’s typical to walk away from a date thinking either, “What a waste, I could have spent the night watching reality TV” or “That guy or girl was totally playing me.” Either way, you come home from meeting them feeling worse about yourself and dating than you did before you went out! But Rick Hanson reminds us the importance of recognizing good qualities and intentions in others. As he writes in his most recent Just One Thing newsletter:

Unfortunately, if you feel surrounded by lots of bad or at best neutral qualities in others, and only a sprinkling of dimly-sensed good ones, then you naturally feel less supported, less safe, and less inclined to be generous or pursue your dreams. Plus, in a circular way, when another person gets the feeling that you don’t really see much that’s good in him or her, that person is less likely to take the time to see much that’s good in you.

Seeing the good in others is thus a simple but very powerful way to feel happier and more confident, and become more loving and more productive in the world.

I love this. It’s a reminder that no relationship should be taken for granted. Everyone we meet is someone worth paying attention to, giving credence to, learning from. As Rick says, “See the good in others.” We’re all trying to get by in this crazy world, right? And when it comes to dating, we’re all looking for that wonderfully well-suited other half. By paying attention to the good in others—their positive qualities, the parts that make us smile—it puts our attention where it should be, and keeps our focus on the happy angles that count. The more you appreciate others, the more  you’ll tune into the good in yourself and the good in life. And that’s where your half-orange will be.

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Big love,

What works in life works in love, and vice versa. So ask yourself this same question about your dating life, your single status or about the so-so, on-off, kinda-sorta person you’ve been seeing lately. Are you happy? Do you want to be?

You know what to do in your heart. You know that if you’re stuck in destructive patterns that it’s up to you to wise up and change what you’re doing. The key now is to do it. Do what makes you happy and you will create a change in your brain and your being that people will read a mile away. The happier you are, the truer you’ll be to yourself, and the better chance you have of meeting your half-orange and knowing he or she is right for you when you do.

Big love,

As Mr. Schuester said: Don't ignore the middle.

It happens while you’re heading to vacation (forgetting to enjoy the excitement of the journey there) it happens when you’re saving up money to buy a car (and forget to enjoy some before you get it). And it happens in dating, when you’re so anxious to see your happy ending, you forget to enjoy your single life on the way there.

This week’s Glee finale pegged this idea. Their teacher, Will Schuester, hated how depressed the kids were about Regionals (which is a singing competition, for you non-Gleeks), which wasn’t looking promising. They felt if they weren’t going to win, why compete? It’s like you may feel in love: If you’re not going to meet the right guy or girl tomorrow, why the hell are you even bothering?

Because of the “Journey,” Mr. Shue wrote on the blackboard. Actually, it was a white board, and I appreciated that his handwriting was almost as bad as mine. But then he gave this little speech:

“One day,” he said, “all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us, will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone’s name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got, or didn’t get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it.”

Think back to your high school days. It’s happened, hasn’t it? Much of it is a hazy memory and you do forget some people’s names. And I’m here to tell you that if you walk through your life today focused on nothing but the person you want to meet in the end, the same will happen in ten years about aspects of your life today!

Do you want to think back on this time and have hazy memories of sitting on the couch pouting? Of being tense about being alone? Of waiting by a phone for someone to call? No! You want to look back and have bursting memories of your single life! Of times you and your friends took the town for a night or whisked away for a weekend. Of times you learned to speak Spanish and make pies and flew to surprise your family for an anniversary party. Of times laughing and living and learning about yourself.

Life is, like Mr. Schue says, a whole lot of middle. And I care about you too much to let you not make the most of it. Start today: Make the most of your middle.

Then tell me: What do you notice? What do you feel? What’s great about your life right now that you were forgetting to appreciate?

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Big love,

I consider myself a really laid back girl. The only time that my laidbackness stood up and screamed was when I was planning my wedding.

It started off so chill, it really did. We booked our barefoot-on-the-beach-in-Mexico locations over the internet, signed up a mariachi band and hoped the tequila would blur any parts of the event that went wrong. (And, oh, did it.) But part way through the wedding planning process, “it” hit. The “it” that makes Bridezillas a ratings baby hit me, too. And I’ll tell you what that “it” is: pressure. A whole big pile of pressure sitting on one person’s shoulders.

As embarrassed as I am to say so, I found myself more than a few times curled up and sobbing in the fetal position. Not because I cared what color flowers we had or what brand of tequila (duh, the best!), but because I was overwhelmed by having to plan an event for the strangest audience ever: I mean, what food, music and drinks do a 7o-year-old from Florida, a 32-year-old fashionista from NYC and an 8-year-old kid from Connecticut really have in common?

Here's me and the hubby on the Playa del Carmen beach. Will he hold your hand through tough choices?

What saved me was my now-husband. He was a gift through it all. He affirmed that we were making the right choices. He said he was grateful for the hard work I was putting into planning. And he pitched in and gently made decisions I couldn’t make myself. That’s when I figured out the secret point of a wedding: If you can survive the wedding planning with acceptance, love and kindness toward each other, you have a great chance of surviving the marriage itself.

Now, I know not everyone necessarily wants to get married, but I think a future event or big life decision like this is worth thinking about as you meet and date: When you look at the person sitting across from you, ask yourself: “How would he or she be through those big decisions? In planning a commitment with each other, creating a home together, building a family, getting the flat tire fixed on a road trip through Italy?” Can you picture this partner at your side, offering acceptance, love and kindness?

Tune into your orange seed on your dates, and see if you feel that acceptance, that love, that kindness. That’s what really counts. Oh, and so does good tequila:

We double-fist beers for the one we love!

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Big love,

Your pretty place—in love—is ahead of you. (Image: AS)

While I’d heard this song tens of times before, this time I was really listening to the words and I was moved by her optimism. These are the words of a woman moving forward on a path, not knowing exactly what’s at the end, but knowing it will be a pretty place, a happy ending. You can be this woman! (And guys, you can, too!) It just takes saying these same hopeful words enough that you really believe them.

If you have three minutes and nineteen seconds, put on some headphones, close your eyes (or stare at your computer and pretend to be working) and listen to what she’s singing.

Astrud is right:

On the road of life I travel, looking forward, never back,
Looking to that dream before me, leaving old dreams in my track.

Lugar bonita, bonita, it’s a pretty place, I know.
Lugar bonita, bonita, at the end of this road.

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Big love,

Gramma with my baby Aunt in the 1940's

She was my last living grandparent, my Dad’s Mom, the matriarch of the Spencer family. She was never sick a day in her life, and lived her time to her fullest, until a ripe old age.

In the past few days, my family and I have talked a lot about what we’ll never forget about Gramma, who raised four children without raising a peep over how hard it was. My sister and I also planted pots of Forget Me Nots, and talked about a different memory of her as we dropped each seed. And the one thing that keeps coming up about Gramma was her way of giving. She took so little, expected so little and gave so much.

Every Christmas, she’d spend two days hand-making hundreds of cookies she gave out in Cool Whip containers to every family member, and she’d spend probably two months sewing original felt ornaments of ice skaters and camels and snowmen.

My favorite memories, in fact, are of Gramma sewing and teaching me to sew. One year, inspired by Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink, I took on a particularly big and public project: I set out to sew my own junior prom dress. I couldn’t afford the expensive dresses I wanted, so I designed my own dress that I hoped was going to look just as beautiful for a quarter of the price. I spent weeks working on it, and a few days before the prom, Gramma came to visit from Connecticut. She looked at what I’d done with the dress so far, and guided me through one of the last steps, a day of machine sewing the bodice onto the big ruffled skirt. The truth was, it looked pretty terrible. I went to bed frowning at how crooked and messy my stitches were, stomping at my stupidity for taking my own look into my own hands. This was my first prom! And instead of looking like the other girls in the beautiful Laura Ashley dresses I’d wished I could afford, I was going to look a right old mess. The next morning, I saw the dress laid out on the dining room table looking different than I’d remembered. In fact, it was absolute perfection. “Oh, I just fixed a few of the stitches for you,” said Gramma, waving her hand away. In truth, while I was sleeping, she stayed up all night, took the worst parts of the dress apart and sewed it back together for me perfectly. And all I remember from there is how pretty I felt on my prom day, how proud I was of myself and my dress, and how grateful I was to Gramma for giving me that gift.

My Mom said the same of her giving. Gramma, she wrote in an email, “was always understated, modest, humble, a gentle lady working quieting behind the scenes, never wanting or expecting praise or thanks. A true saint.”

It’s a reminder for all of us to look not at what we’re getting today, but at what we’re giving. Even when it comes to relationships, we’re more often focusing on what we want to get from our partners than on what we want to give. But love is a two-way street. Giving is half the work and half the fun. So don’t just think about what you deserve to get. Think about what you want to give in love: Your big heart? Your unconditional acceptance? Your sewing skills or cooking? Your ability to make people laugh and feel cared for when they need it most?

Gramma as I best remember her: smiling.

In honor of my Gramma, think about what you can you give someone else today without the need for praise or thanks. What can you give just for the joy of giving? Maybe a gift. A compliment. A phone call. An apology. A plate of cookies. An hour of your time helping them finish a task they can’t seem to get started. A shoulder to lean on. A birthday card. A cocktail. A hug. An “I love you” to the person who may know it, but needs to hear it. Whatever you have inside that someone else needs, give. Even after 93 years, life feels short, so give today, while you can.

Thank you, Gramma. I only hope we can live as generously as you did,

Big love,

From Paris, with love

One was We’ll To the Woods No More by Eduard Dujardin, which was written in Paris in the 1880′s and translated into English. I bought it in a bookstore two decades ago and have held onto ever since. When I opened it, this underlined sentence caught my eye:

He thinks he is happy, therefore he is happy.

It’s something I’ve questioned over the years: What is happiness, really? Is it a state of mind? Is it something that circumstances and friends can weigh in on?

People have even asked me throughout my life, ”Are you really always this happy?” It made me wonder if I was fooling myself. Maybe I thought I was happy…but really wasn’t. Maybe if I was more realistic and faced the facts of life or the seriousness of a situation, I’d come back down to earth and realize that I wasn’t so happy after all.

Well, phooey to that. I know the answer now. Happiness is a state of mind. It’s relative. It’s all in how you look at your life and see your circumstances. Like the character in We’ll To the Woods No More, if you think you’re happy, therefore you are happy. 

The same goes for dating: If you think you’re in a good place in your dating life, therefore you are in a good place. If you think you’re close to meeting the love of your life and ready to be in that relationship, therefore you are. Life isn’t a list of moments we compute and spit out our state of being. Life is what we make it, how we feel about it and how we choose to face it. So why not choose the route that makes you feel good about yourself? Like my post on Get Un-Lost: Nothing Is Irreversible, you have the power to change what you’re thinking.

It’s not always easy, I know that. Maybe you had a bad day. A bad phone call. A terribly painful loss. An breakup with someone you cared about. Will that derail your single experience? Will that affect your future relationships? Well…that’s up to you. You haven’t rolled the dice and picked up a Monopoly card that tells you what square to place your silver boot on. This is your call. If you think your life will improve on account of what’s happened to you, therefore it will.

Choose your state of mind. Today, even for an hour, decide to be happy with who you are and where you are in your life. Think you are happy and therefore you are happy.

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Big love,